Me, myself & I

I screwed up my paper and I only have myself to blame for it

so there!

self - explanatory - the end result of what is due to tons of misplaced faith and confidence in my ability.

:(

posted by moi @ 12:47 PM

With Fond Memories Of...

I wrote this entry about a year ago, but I still basically feel the same way towards them now as I did then - so here's a re-posting of the my tribute to them...

A Melting Pot - that's the exact phrase I used to describe my JC class in our own annual year book (back then). It was the 'norm' to have class diaries but I do believe that we carried it to extremes - we drew graves of detested teachers and the most ridiculous diseases they succumbed to - mole cancer, for one...

So many years down the road, and we are still one pretty tight knit group - selective members, that is. Of course there are those who never appear, but for the rest of us, we are comfortable enough with the rest of the group that we always have class outings! At our age, somemore. Not that I am discriminating against older people- but this affair has been something that I truly look forward to everytime. We have class outings about once a month or every two months - and for a group of 5-10 to meet each time is no mean feat. We work in different industries, with offices in different areas, live in different districts and yet, still make the effort to turn up at each class outing. That itself, says alot about us and our 'regular' gatherings...

And it is always fun, full of laughter, stupid crappy jokes, anecdotes and hilarious incidents that we'd recall which happened eons ago - how the virtually the whole class had sneaked out in the middle of school to go to Macs for breakfast, got caught by our teacher and did CS together. Come to think of it, that punishment also seemed like a class gathering!Sad to say, we are not the most becoming people when lumped together in a group. Despite the fact that my JC class was mostly female-dominated (in terms of both numbers and intellectual wit), we nevertheless degenerated into a boisterous rowdy lot who is forever cackling and hooting uncontrollably in cafes, restaurants and wherever we had chosen to celebrate.

Upon retrospect, I do feel a tinge of pity and apology towards our fellow diners who had unwittingly chosen the right place at the wrong time - when we have a class gathering. It is thus with much embarrassment that I now recall how they always cast those withering glances at us, with that "totally CMI - cannot make it" condescending looks we always get, but somehow never seeming to understand in such situations.

One almost always have to be there to understand what I am talking about. Huddled together like conspirators discussing the details of a revolt, dirty jokes would surface, crappy anecdotes retold and we would suddenly burst out into uncontrollable bouts of hysterical laughter - much to the disgust of the restaurant managers and the poor souls within earshot.A typical scene of our class gathering begins like this - a few more punctual ones appear at the place right on the dot, whereas the rest (unfortunately - that accounts for the majority) slowly drift in in pairs while the latest one (who is often - not out in the work force yet) arrives a good 30 - 45 minutes later. By then, those who are still tied up in the office (literally speaking) would have either messaged or called to send their apologies...while the party starts.

Twittering incessantly, we'd catch up with one another over the latest news, what we have done, encountered, or bought, expressed anguish and/ or disgust (or sometimes a mixture of both at the same time) for at least an hour. And all this is done on the pretext of consulting the menu. When a hungrier member asks if we have decided, we then studiously scrutinize the menu - (for me, sometimes I do wish they have set dinners - or a change in the food - it sure would make things easier). After about 20 minutes of agonizing over what to eat - we'd invariably settle on the usual - fish and chips, chicken, salmon fillet and pizza (yeah, we grew up with junk food, or at least I did).

Soon (actually, it's usually a long wait, but peppered with questions and answers to one another, time does seem to pass by more easily, and) the food will arrive. Amidst tucking heartily into our own food, we'd ALWAYS exchange food, cut a slice of this and that and dump it into another's plate, reach over (politely) and spear a piece of that delectable piece of meat (upon being asked to). And we'd share drinks and desserts TOO! haha, you'd think, with several professionals among us, and most of us working adults in relatively good jobs (with the exception of yours truly, who is still unemployed), we'd be more than happy to fork out money on drinks and desserts without a second thought. Perhaps it's due to the fact that there are more gals than guys, we always end up sharing desserts and drinks - either to share the guilt factor, or just cos it's become "us" to do that. Heaven forbid that we ever do that in a pub/club/ lounge - but the truth is, when numbers prevail - well, our skins invariably grower to be thicker than a rhino's hide.

Long after finishing our food, we'll languish contentedly at the premises, crack stupid jokes (again, unfortunately), mock each other and the lack of good sense and intellectual ability (good-naturedly, of course) and express mock anger and disgust at each other's acquisitions and decisions. "What? You spent $AAA on this? It's so expensive! Wah, why not spend the money on me? Okies lah, today you shall foot the bill - thanks in advance ar?"More often than not, our laughter and jokes (not in such good taste, i am afraid), fueled by the intake of good food and more importantly, good company - will become so loud that we are greeted with frosty stares again.

Blissfully oblivious to the blatantly murderous glares of fellow diners, we oohed and aahed over seemingly senseless encounters retold, complained about our jobs and nasty people we'd met and burst out into fits of giggles again at regular intervals. Interspersed with this will be several bouts of photo-taking with our digital cameras, handphones as we struck poses, stuck fingers behind each others' heads and beamed away, while other cheekier members take candid shoots (apparently for blackmailing purposes - should anyone of us become rich and famous in the distant future).Soon, the night would beckon again (more strongly this time) and we'd realise how late it is, hurry each other to leave (so that we'd be in time to catch the tv serial) and ask for the bill. Wallets will then be pulled out, calculators in handphones and PDAs utilised to calculate the individual bill - dollar notes gathered in a pile while one pays first.

Upon getting the receipt, we'd take turns to scrutinise it and then recall the waitress again to ask why we were being wrongly billed, or why they did not extend to us the discount. (This seems to be a disturbing trend at the restaurant we are now currently faithfully patronising -although I do feel that sometimes the owner would be happier not to see us at all - as our arrival always spells 'unrest', hoots of uncivilised laughter and a bringing about a general detriment to the sanity of his other more profitable customers).

One good thing about my JC classmates is that no matter what we are doing - be it clubbing in a trendy place, eating in a nice restaurant/ cafe, or cutting a common birthday cake in MacDonald's - we have always enjoyed each other's company and thoroughly had uninhibited fun (in an asexual way, for goodness' sake!!!).

We are comfortable in our own skins in one another's presence and there is no need to hide behind invisible walls or barriers, no need to portray a 'better' image to anyone. We've known each other for 7 years - not exactly a short period of time and it's good to know that there will always be this bunch of friends there - with whom you can share hilarious tales and embarrassing incidents and laugh like a group of hyenas - a group of very happy hyenas indeed.

So here it is, a tribute to my JC classmates - who choose not to judge, but to accept me for what I stoicly insisted that I am, whose presence and friendship have brought me much joy and laughter. From the depths of my heart, I sincerely thank you.

posted by moi @ 1:21 AM

Lost All Hope in Mankind...

After decades of denial, escapism and god knows what, the realization just hit me like a speeding bullet. Goodness, how could I have been so blind? How could I have gone along with the whole facade, thinking that it would be any different this time? Upon hindsight, it's probably just me; I am just the ONE who has been viewing things through coloured glasses - refusing to acknowledge the ugly truth, even when it's clearly in view.

Gosh, I feel so horrible and upset. And it shouldn't even affect me that much. Ok, I am sure those who are still reading (if your brain cells are confused that much by now such that they have already begun to pulverize...), I shall try to clarify it... well, as best as I could, I suppose.

I have lost all hope in MANkind - there, I said it. I know I am well known for being extremely cynical and pessimistic amongst my friends but somehow, I feel, deep inside me, there's this little girl (who has been reading too many of the wrong genre of books - FAIRY TALES - where everything ends with 'and they lived happily ever after') hoping AGAINST hope that somehow, things will turn out fine eventually.

TAduh - guess what? I've been rudely awakened from that dream. And it's way overdue. Sighz, well, that's all for now. This is purely depressing...

posted by moi @ 5:44 PM