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Talked to a friend yesterday, who told me that I did sound depressed, more so than in the past. But I reminded him that it could be because when I last left, I was ecstatic to be able to leave, and hence this might have influenced the overall impression of how I felt while being there. Cos I went through all my blogs that I had posted and there certainly were times when I felt right in the pits and was totally furious and pissed off with people, my ex-boss included. But the main good thing was that my colleagues in the same department were all very nice to me and it was never a “you solve your own problems” kind of situation. It was always “oh no, nvm, we help each other out”. Which is the kind of camaraderie that I totally miss. And it was possible for one to be more at ease – to joke when need be, no need to continuously appear as if one was working, not joking,etc.Whereas for here, I am stationed directly in front of the GM’s glass office – where she can see every single little thing at a glance. And it makes me so hard to breathe.
Also, everyone is sitting behind me and the partitions are so low; anyone can see whatever appears on my monitor. Having such a stressful environment is very very bad for health. I cannot help but constantly feel the pressure in the aura here; it’s like I am forever fearful of something happening and I cannot let my guard down, not like I really care anymore. But to have that stomach churning feeling constantly is not doing wonders for my nerves; am seriously worried that I’ll suffer from nervous breakdown someday.
And there is no partition between my colleague & me. Hence, we can hear every single word each other says on the phone, etc…and it seems like he is forever working. Whereas I am not; sad to say, I am not that interested in the automobile industry – when I sorta find out that this is what they are doing and what one has to know… that’s it. Sorry, but it just doesn’t see very interesting. I don’t even want to read more about it; I just don’t feel the interest to know more about it. Which is very bad and very sad – as I am already lacking in my basic product knowledge… and this seems ominous.
And I have to admit, the fact that I don’t know how to drive, don’t even have the basic theory background, and don’t own a car – puts me in very bad stead. I don’t know how they work, not sure how to open the bonnet & stuff… and worse, I cannot reveal all this at work – it will just make things worse… I’ll totally appear like an imbecile. And working on Saturday really sucks; didn’t realize it was that bad until I have had to come to work on Saturday – it’s compulsory, not like I could choose to not come in the past. And everyone else is here, and I gotta work whole Saturdays somemore…and the traveling does kill me. It’s supposed to be alternate full Saturdays… but with only 4 pple on the team…and so many bloody showrooms to visit and so many things going on, it’s hard to take Saturdays off. In fact, I have been working every Saturday since I joined. And 2 Sundays too; such a schedule is really wrecking me. Perhaps I am really asking for too much. Ironically, a blind lady working in my company, whom I brought to the washroom said “I hope you are happy working here”. I was totally tongue-tied and could only look myself in the mirror and manage a grimace.
Work culture is very important in working environments – and apparently in here, hierarchy and rank are also freaking important. Managers could come late, leave early… and can step all over the executives. Actually, I am supposed to re-organise my stuff and thoughts so that when my boss comes in on Monday, I can have a coherent report to give to her. But I seriously don’t want to think about it; I really don’t want to think about work. True, I worry about what will happen come Monday, but I just don’t want to do it. Which is a very bad kind of situation; does it provide more insight about my state/ situation now? Am I just doing the usual routine whining or complaining or does it really sound the alarm that something is seriously wrong? Please let me know; really…
