Hello, Friend/ Acquaintance/ Stranger?
I have never really had it easy when it comes to friendships. Perhaps I am just too strong-headed/ opinionated/ stubborn/ selfish? I have had the experience of losing friends when our friendships soured. Guess what, it didn't just happen once, twice, but more than that.
It occurred at different stages of my life - once in primary school, once during JC days, one when I just stepped out into society to work and one about 9 months ago.
There might be many more who drifted apart from me, but mind you - the above statistics comprise people who have, or more accurately speaking - had been really close and good friends of mine - people whom I share most of my thoughts with.
The first one was a primary school classmate - we were really close in P3-4. However, we fell out while doing a project for Social Studies either in Primary 5/6. We didn't ever talk - there was just that awkward silence whenever the name was mentioned. And I just tried to brush the awkwardness off - like it didn't really matter to me.
Then 2nd one occurred during JC days - it was a really close friend whom I had known since primary school days. We had been in the same class, same school for 3-4 years in primary school. When we moved to secondary school - we were in different classes - but stayed close due to being in the same ECA. When we went to JC - we ended up in the same class and took the bus to school together. But somehow, too much of being together just meant that we could only keep talking about the same old things. And apparently our priorities were different - I was too materialistic, or rather - just concerned about grades, etc. Well, guess what? I screwed my 'A' levels.
There was a point in time when I just wanted to stay away from my closest friends. I could laugh with those whom I wasn't that close to - that's not strange. I was going through a rough patch then - someone I adored & loved departed and my reasoning for my (seemingly) erratic behaviour just meant that I could not bear to be around people I was close to - it would be so much easier to just crumple and break into tears. While I was around acquaintances - they don't know you that well, and it's not that easy to see one's emotions. We drifted apart and never really talked again. Even the mention of the name now still brings about awkwardness.
The third one was a close secondary school friend - our friendship fell apart about a year after I started work. It was pretty petty - I suppose. I admit that I don't have the best of a temper - but I can assure you that my secondary school and JC friends will tell you that I have improved tremendously over the years. The short experience of working has definitely mellowed me alot! It was over a small thing really - but it just got blown out of proportion and the ending saw me stomping out of Far East Plaza after a heated exchange of words. We didn't have contact for about a year - after which I decided that it was pretty silly - and started msging and calling her again. I am happy to announce that our friendship is 'on the mend' - hopefully. Actually, I thrive and believe in self-denial. I'd rather that nothing has happened and pretend that everything is just the same, then to trash things out. My point of view comes from bad experience.
The 4th one is a friend whom I have known in hall. He's been really tolerant of my idiosyncrasies and extremely helpful - always lending a sympathetic ear and a helping hand. And our friendship soured not just once, but twice. I suppose the first time was over small, petty matters - I seem to have a knack for getting extremely irritated with people over minute things - what they say, the way they say it, their way of thinking ( I can be really short-tempered and impatient with guys - there is nothing I hate more than wishy-washiness - especially when it comes to someone of the opposite sex), etc.
I just 'switched off' (if such a phrase can be used accurately here) our friendship - no more conversations - clipped responses. Poor guy - I didn't think he even know what was going on. It was only till I couldn't stand it anymore and I unloaded everything onto him - what was irritating the hell out of me, what I couldn't stand, etc - confrontational, totally! We agreed to have disagreements, or rather, I think he compromised abit - since I was the one raving like a lunatic and our friendship resumed its course.
I unloaded all my thoughts, problems encountered, everything onto him - we'd spend about 15-30 minutes talking on the phone almost everyday. (it's purely platonic - since he's the only one who can stand my nonsense and not give me hell about it) Only till a certain point when I made a 'life-changing' decision and he adamantly told me that it's not right in the face did I snap. I was going through a rough patch (another one again, yes, my life is quite sucky) and I really did need the support. Guess how I'd have felt when 2 close friends tell me that I am materialistic, ambitious (totally meaning it in the negative connotation), etc etc etc to make a particular decision. Call me petty, but for me, that was it. I certainly did not need more people, especially close friends doubting my abilities, casting scorn in my direction.
I cut off all contact. I blocked his MSN, I didn't call him anymore; we basically ceased all contact. And it's been about 9 months - my mentality was - if talking to a 'friend' takes so much 'courage' and makes it so hard for me - why bother? I'd be wasting all my energy and effort in trying to convince someone whom I want to please - whose opinion I value that what I am doing is right. And it takes a lot out of me - I get really upset just thinking about it. My rationale - why even dwell on it - just forget it and let it go - I don't need to justify my actions to anyone else.
And it was going pretty ok - the ceasing of contact part - till we meet on Wednesday - at the library. I didn't even notice him - he came up and said hello. I was caught by surprised - tried to make some small talk, asked about the family, etc. But somehow, there was this barrier there, which comes about due to awkwardness, the common knowledge that things have changed and can never resume their previous status again.
So, is it "Hello, Friend/ Acquaintance/ Stranger?" I really don't know... so after politely making the enquiries and trying to sound as if nothing has changed, I bade my farewell and left. Am still trying not to think about the encounter - it just upsets the balance of my life - and I really don't want to spend time or any emotion dwelling on it. Maybe it's just me - complicated, over-demanding and extremely proud...
Tagged...
Got tagged - or whatever that means...so here it goes...
Total Volume of Music Files on my computer: should be 0 MB, unless you count those soundfiles that I dl unwittingly. Burned all the rest onto CDs just before my laptop got reformatted the first time.
The Last CDs I Bought Were: Oooh, this one I know - bought so many...chronologically backwards (latest acquisitions first): -
1. Matchbox Twenty - More Than You Think You Are
2. Lucie Silvas - Breathe In
3. Leann Rimes - Twisted Angel
4. Kylie - Fever
5. Ricky Martin - Almas Del Silencio (Spanish)
6. Ashanti - Ashanti
7. Mary J. Blige - No More Drama
8. Mis-Teeq - Eye Candy
9. Micael Buble - It's Time
10. Joss Stone - Mind, Body, Soul
11. Maroon 5 - Songs About Jane
Woah..that's quite a bit (and it's only for this year so far...)
Song playing right now: Erm, on radio or in my discman?
Radio - unidentifable at the moment.
In my Discman - Lucie Silvas - Breathe In
5 Songs I Listen to a lot, or mean alot to me: -
1. Nobody Else - Take That (the lyrics are just beautiful - Gary Barlow is one talented dude)
2. Breathe In - Lucie Silvas (inspiring)
3. Careless Whisper - George Michael (erm, totally addictive, I can just put it on repeat mode and keep listening to it)
4. I Could Fall In Love - Selena...('nuf said)
5. Love, Me - Collin Raye (the lyrics say it all)
There are actually many others - but just cannot think of them at the moment...
The baton is now passed to Xierriex, Degussa, Tiramisu & Mr P
(I don't think any other blogger reads my blog...)
Feeling Not-So-Smart...
You know what? There must be a better way to add pictures. Or rather, a more correct and less tedious way to add more than 1 picture to one blog entry.
What I am doing now..is adding them one by one and changing the time of publishing to get them in the correct order. However, just realised that each time I do that, it recognises it as a separate entry - which will totally confuse ME!!
Hmm, those who are adding pictures PROFESSIONALLY out there, any tips? btw, I am using Picasa... thanks a lot!!
My First Own Bottle of Wine...
This bottle of wine does NOT need a wine opener
Yes! I feel SO freaking cheated, or rather, I only have my own stupidity to blame.
Was asking my mum if she had seen my elusive wine opener - "No.." but she kindly searched the cabinet for me and eventually fished out a pile of story books that I had been missing since the house renovations. Yippee - can read my Gerald Durrell again!
Anyway, I was lamenting to her about how I have gotten everything - the wine has been chilled, the WHITE wine glasses were there but NO freaking wine opener! *Showed her the bottle of wine in the fridge* and she went "This kind need that opener meh? Just unscrew can already right?" I took a closer look - and said indignantly "No lah, this covering is just the plastic covering - there MUST be a cork underneath".
So we tried and guess what - it's the usual bottle cap - heck - I don't even need a wine stopper to keep the wine! I feel like such a fool - but then mothers always do that - point out the stupid things we always overlook. Yeah!! Can drink my own first bottle of wine!!!
Thus, I got everything out....
All ready to go...
See - my new white wine glasses (oh goodness, I sound so bimbotic - talking about wine glasses and every single itsy bitsy teeny weeny thing I do in my day - think famous bloggers).
Anyway, I thought it would be nice for me to look back on my blogs and remember it mah..so...here it is..Eventually got another wine glass for my sis - didn't realise that my family ALL wanted to try the white wine.
1/3 of the glass full
Even my sis agreed that it was nice - we drank about 1/2 the bottle at one sitting. It's just too bad that the wine was not chilled enough. The last time I drank this particular wine (at some restaurant) it was so refreshing and light that we had 2 bottles and I even asked the manager for the vineyard, year, etc. Eventually managed to track it down to a distributor - cannot get this one in the usual supermarts - had to go all to way to River Valley to get it. Yeah...
So here is another pic - realised that I have become really trigger-happy ever since I've realised how to upload some pics. Well, call it visual stimulation - its so much easier to see that to try to figure out what I've described....
Hehe, so now I am here blogging - replete with white wine. Hopefully, the headache goes away soon, but maybe my 'ecstasy' (ok - not that much of happiness), more like an interesting distraction here is relieving me of some of the pain. Or perhaps it the alcohol... :)
Splitting Headache (Not Gone Yet)
Argkkk, tried to take a nap - hoping that it would chase away the headache. Even rubbed muscle rub cream (yeah, I use it for almost anything - but the 'cooling' sensation almost killed me) on my temples n my taut shoulder muscles. Ended up only managing to doze off for about 30 min or so before I woke up again.
Darn - my headache was still there. Eventually woke up and took 2 painkillers. *Keeping fingers crossed that that would work*. If not, I'd have to resort to muscle relaxants. I really want to see a doctor and get medical leave on Tuesday (but I have something slated on Tuesday morning) and there is no way I can get out of it. So I'd rather not explore that possibility first. And darn, I seemed to have misplaced an important set of documents that I should have scrutinized 2 weeks ago. Am desperately hoping that it is left in my office.
And the worst thing is... I am not able to open my first own bottle of wine!!! Yes, I had actually put a bottle of white wine (one that I sourced desperately for after having drunk it at some restaurant) in the fridge and was planning to put the wine opener (that I had bought eons ago) to good use... but now that this headache is killing me - I suppose I better put my intoxication plans on hold - somehow, combining aspirin and alcohol seems to be lethal and I don't plan to be the first dead guinea pig to put that claim to the test.
Just FYI - here's a pic of what I was planning to drink...*goes to take a pic of my bottle of wine with digicam*
My Very Own First Bottle of Wine!
Argkk, in the process of obtaining the pictures - realised that I have misplaced my wine opener!! How Freaking INconvenient! Now even if my headache has gone - I still cannot drink my wine! Spoilsport! I was certain that I put it together with the wine in the cabinet. Have already searched high and low in all the cabinets in the kitchen - where on earth did I leave it. That makes 2 things I have to locate now.
And in the process of transferring pictures of this bottle of wine - also transferred the pic of the Mothers' Day Cake (see pic in previous post - sorry, I still haven't gotten the hang of uploading pictures on blogger - I deem it a HUGE success when something eventually makes its way here without crashing my computer - yes, my skills are THAT pathetic) that I got my mum - needless to say - I ate most of it. :( Feeling darn guilty. The worst thing was - I got it on a Sat (Mothers' Day is on a Sunday) and I asked her when she wanna cut - she wasn't in a good mood - and she was like " Mothers' Day is on Sunday right, cut tmrw lor" to which I replied - "But I wanna eat it now leh..." and guess what, she cut the cake there and then and I got to eat it...I know, I am evil...but she's great, ain't she. Now, just gotta wait for her to get back home, then can ask her if she has seen my elusive wine opener!!!
Hopefully by then, my headache would have gone...but I doubt so - still throbbing pain there.. Ugh. What an awful way to spend a long weekend...
Mothers' Day Cake - Yummy
Splitting Headache (Again...)
Decided that I had to blog, put something up, no matter how boring/ self-centered/ short. If not, it might have seemed as if I had vanished from the land of blogging. (Sighz, why not vanish from the surface of the earth instead - then no need to work)
Anyway, was just 'flipping' (if there are pages) through my latest entry on my blog and realised that I have been having quite bad headaches recently. The one that I am suffering from now actually started yesterday around 9 am in the morning - lack of sleep. I would have thought that the rest I got last night would make it go away, but now here I am at 4.30 pm in the afternoon and my head is still killing me... ARGKKKK.
It's so hard to enjoy anything when you have a headache - goodness, I can't even sleep properly...
Help... :(
Just for the Fun of It
My Current Wall Paper
Yeah...you probably will wonder what's the problem with me - blogging so very often within these few minutes of today. That's cos I finally figured out how to upload pictures onto Blogger. Please - do try to stifle your laughter - it's not exactly very becoming if you break into hoots resembling that of a hyena. Fine fine, go ahead and mock me - but then, I really don't care. At least now I can finally post some pics online.
FYI - that's my current wall paper right now - totally cute! I just adore Calvin & Hobbes. :)
Took this picture when I was away at Batam for a short getaway....am actually having a splitting headache now...how I wish I am there right now...Sighz...
yeah, yeah...fantasize more..but you know what else is NEW??!! I now know HOW to upload a picture on BLOGGER!! yeah..and it took my sis (whom I have always deemed as MORE PC-illiterate than me to tell me how...) Goodness....
How I Wish I Am There Now...
The Amazing Race
Okies - this blog entry is DARN late..but then again, I only get to blog painstakingly when I am commuting - with my stylus and when I reach home - its so late that I don't even turn my computer on...so... here it is...AT LAST!! Totally boring details of my mundane life...
I think I am getting addicted to sleep - been sleeping about 8-9 hours everyday! And this is despite the fact that there are still so many things to do, clear, etc. I suppose I just forget all about them when I sleep.
And the weather has been perfect for sleeping. Actually only conked out at 2.30 am last night. Reason being 1. Amazing Race finale - that lasted till 12.30 am. And after that - there was E.R. of which I am now becoming a fan of.
The finale episode of the Amazing Race was so freaking exciting. I was literally gripping the side of my chair and cheering the teams on, yelling "Yes, yes, yes!" or "No, no, no" whenever something good or bad happens to the teams. This particular race was really close. It seriously did boil down to luck and the extent of how much one/ the team wants to win the race.
Halfway through the show - I really had to admit that the much-hated couple - Rob & Amber - really deserved to win (that is if they DID win). True, they were unscrupulous, mean, conceited, etc, etc, etc. However, they were also extremely streetwise, smart, knowing how to get things done. Just look at how they went onto the Internet to search for other flights to a particular destination - before confirming their flight. As well as running down through the security checkpoints, etc and getting one cab driver to call another cab driver for them when they were in an isolated place.
But the winners - Uchenna & Joyce really did go through a tough time, and they managed to pull through and do very well - 3 times the last team - 3 times going through an entire leg of the race with 0 cents to their name. They had to beg, ask, plead, cajole and Uchenna never got dejected or gave up. He gamely asked people for help - was willing to take no for an answer. Good for him & Joyce!! And they also totally deserve the million bucks prize money. More, with the fact that they did it with ethics, with grace, with moral values! Yeah! *jumps up & down waving poms poms in cheer*.
Panic Attack - for all the WRONG reasons...
Am on the train otw home now... been a tiring long day - actually felt exhausted just after remedial! Everything I had taught seem to be returned to me - that is freaking scary! And the exams just looms ard the corner - more accurately speaking - in a day's time. The situation is made worse by the fact that as oral exams will be conducted just outside the classrooms, there is no way one can revise or go through with them. *Hits panic button desperately*
More Than You Think You Are
Guess what, I spent more than 3 hours travelling/ commuting just to watch a 30 min performance as the weather decided to play tricks on us - it rained. And being an outdoor concert... the later jazz performance was postponed indefinitely.
Hence, instead of waiting for the drizzle to stop... we decided to head home instead. It has been a long day but somehow, I felt cheated of my time & feelings & thus decided to spend my money in a CD shop - HMV.
I swear I would have bought at least 10 CDs if not for the constant reminder that I am very very broke! Yup... got a huge cake for my mum - Mothers' Day tmrw. I am already bringing her on a trip but as my sis is overseas, I thought it would be nice to get her something. I even asked her if she would like a facial or massage but she said no....
I think I am pampering myself too much - the way I turn to such luxuries & shopping when I feel bored/ tired.
Which brings me to my latest CD acquisition - Matchbox 20 -MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE. I have been a fan of their songs, or rather - their singles for the longest time but their CD covers are always freaking ugly – think collage – baby with an ugly head with blood shot eyes, that sort of things. And that always puts me off. I have been waiting so long for their greatest hits album and I thought that now that Rob Thomas has his own single out (and probably his own album too), there might be one. But I think not… Hence, just decided to get the CD to make my trip out to town more worthwhile.
And I wonder how I get broke all the time...
My So-Called Tech Gizmos - no doubt super outdated by normal standards
Ok this entry is dedicated 2 our dear Ben and I am really typing on the bus, though it is a bit weird and the keyboard, being foldable, is extremely shaky, Hence there will be many typo mistakes in this entry. I sort of wish that I had a hard cover file to support the keyboard. And it also looks freaking ridiculous - people either use a smart phone, or a full sized laptop, and not a hybrid in between, a full sized keyboard and a palm.
The worst thing is - The font is Freaking SMALL!! I can barely make out what I am typing. Really, somehow, when you go into Document mode, the text just appears like small tiny ants. Goodness, my myopia will definitely deteriorate, should this continue. But then again, I don't have the luxury of sitting in a cafe and typing it on a table, and the only time I have available for blogging and stoning is when I am commuting - hence, one will have to bear with my gross spelling and typo errors.
Was proudly showing off my new ' toy' - the portable keyboard that Ben passed to me. Oh, did I already mention that it is with courtesy of Ben? Yup, thanks a lot mate! My latest toy - gizmo toy that is. I know people are already playing with PSP and stuff, but being an IT idiot, I sorta live in the Stone Age when it comes to tech gizmos - can you believe that I don’t have any NP3 player - not even the one that comes with a flash disk - let alone Apple or Creative Zen. Yup I am still relying on my considerably old and outdate DISCMAN, or Sony CD Walkman, as they call it.
Why? Well, it all boils down to the fact that I bought a CD burner - and as usual - grossly under-utilized, with many blank CDs - I have like 50 still lying around and gathering dust. So since I have my blank CDs, I got to burn them I. and best - my CD Walkman CANNOT play MP3s - so I can only have like 12 songs per CD. Very smart right? And thus starts a vicious cycle whereby I am now splurging on CDs - amazing, my logic does get me into trouble - ALL THE TIME!
Now it is about 11.10 pm - am watching The Amazing Race in my sister's room now. The only reason why I cannot mark my ever-growing pile of worksheets is because she decided to watch the TV in the dark - purely just to irritate me, I am sure. So I can only blog about it now... while more important/ urgent things are waiting.
Had a really bad headache earlier on, and a bout of nausea - but then again, I am sure no one is THAT interested in a detailed description of my illness or how crappy I felt. But I really wanted to just come back home and sleep. Even as I am typing this now, that is how I feel - if not for ER!!! I need a DVD recorder, but they are freaking expensive - but it does make life more convenient.
Yeah, I finally can read this document properly - detected the font changing thingy - the only problem is - I cannot use the scroll bar at the right hand side when using word documents. Somehow, something just has to pop up to mar it. Oh well, that is life - I suppose.
Am waiting for the 11.30 pm slot of E.R. to begin - now that the Practice is over - no more seasons, shows, etc, I am hoping that they will bring in Boston Legal soon - the spin off from the Practice. It looks promising - just that over here, we always get them 1-2 years later. :(
The First Time
I did it for the first time - it has been weighing on my mind for quite some time already and I do think that it is time. It was quite mind boggling actually, and I did look forward to it. There was definitely some apprehension and fear of what it would be like, how I'd feel after it. I had expected some sort of pain; it generally didn't hurt, but some parts - it hurt hellavu lot. But after that, it was really soothing and good. And I wonder why they always want to strip you... it seems to happen alot and seems to be the norm.
Yup, that was my first time doing a facial. After talking about it for ages with my friend about the types of packages - how much it would cost and everything, my friend got me a complimentary voucher for a facial - I had to rush down on a weekday to get it done - the weekend slots were all filled. The place wasn't that hard to find and I liked the ambience. Thus, it wasn't hard for me to be convinced to get a package. My friend who had done hers earlier told me to hold out for more freebies - they always use it as a marketing/ sales technique. So here I am - $780 poorer, in exchange for a facial package. Sighz - the cost of vanity - it's not even beauty yet - cos it won't beautify me that easily...
9 Months Later...
A lot of things can happen in 9 months - a baby gets conceived and born..but for my case... everything has changed. 9 months ago - I applied to a particular healthcare organization for a job that I was totally hung up over - I went down for 1 or 2 interviews - called the asst manager almost daily that she was certain I was stalking her - and even sent 2 copies of my individual report that I did for one of my Year 4 modules - it was a position I coveted - and the job scope was interesting and challenging - Policy Analyst. Cool... However, after a month of waiting in vain - nothing happened - no one got back to me.. and so I moved on - to where I am right now.
And guess what? I got a call from them requesting for another interview somewhere in April. I wanted closure - so I agreed to it. I met up with who-would-be-my-boss-should-I- accept the offer, and got good vibes off him. We had a good chat, about my past experience, what I was expecting and etc. And I was brutally frank about that I just wanted closure - I even asked him what happened to cause me to wait 9 months for the bloody second round of interview. Apparently, the head (a 2nd one) that had interviewed me last year only lasted for about 4 months before he left and this one came it. I blame it on corporate culture shock - the first head and this 3rd one were both from govt stat boards - the 2nd one who left after 4 months was from a MNC. I left the place not expecting anything - though the person said that he would get in touch with me.
So...it was during that time when I received the letter from my current employer - that I have to sign on the dotted line - latest by 30 April - I was still undecided - since another window of opportunity seemed to have opened. I opted to delay the signing till the very last day - citing meetings etc. And just when I have had reconcilied with the idea that I'd be committing myself and the rest of my life to this profession - the HR dept of that organization called me on 28 April - asking me if I were still available. I told her that I was seriously reviewing another offer. At first, I thought that she just meant that I was shortlisted for another round - but NO, I have been selected for that position. She asked me to wait one day for her proposal and for me to consider the two offers. She pointedly stated that pay was not everything, etc - I should have known that the pay package was not gonna meet what I was getting now.
I was skeptical about the job scope - as the head had mentioned that he was planning to roll two roles into one. So I had to call him on 29 April morning - couldn't get him till near noon. Being brutally frank - I thanked him for the opportunity and asked flat out - how far was I down the list of selected applicants. I mean, you'd have a list of candidates that you want - if choice #1 has been taken, you'd call #2 and so on. I just wanted to see my self-worth. He evaded the question and just said that I was among the top few candidates, and that he had interviewed another candidate - an internal transfer case, but it didn't pan out as the person did not have the financial knowledge background he assumed I'd have with my particular degree. Being still brutally frank - its a failing of mine - I told him straight that had he offered me the position 9 months earlier -I would have accepted it in a heartbeat - but it's been 9 months and alot of things have changed.
Then I told him that HR called me and only gave me till the end of the day to respond and that I was seriously reviewing another offer - he asked me what it was again and I told him. He agreed that I needed time to think about it and promised to call the HR person to give me the weekend to mull over it. I get good vibes off this person.. really.
The HR person actually offered me a package. And I was right - it was even less than what I had been getting when I left my previous employer. Which meant a substantial paycut from now, and an even bigger one should I complete my training. Being inclined to think more than is good for me, I had initially established a cut off point - that I'd refuse the offer should the pay package be below a certain level. The HR person actually tried to tell me that their bonus was quite good, etc and that I was looking at a 15-month pay package. I called her back to try to negotiate - more for the sake of knowing where I'd stand, but she was adamant - telling me it was the best they could offer and that the head had already put in a very good word for me (god knows if it is true) and that I cannot compare it with that I am getting now.
Then that was when my mind started getting all confused. I called a couple of friends and no one could advise me on what to do. And worse - there was no time, I had to sign my agreement early the next morning and I really did not have time to mull over it. My gym work out was totally half-hearted and when I came home and confided to my mum - I had expected her to ask me to stay with my current job when she said - "Quit lah, you have no time for yourself..." , "nvm the lower pay.." I was flabbergasted - and I really became confused.
I called Cin and confessed to her my whole myriad of mixed emotions - and she gave me v sound advice - one thing is that we tend to think the same way - and she was objective enough to tell me the facts and truths. And after talking to her - I felt much better - till a colleague whom I had messaged called me back and frightened me with all the ugly facts about the job I currently have. Argkkk - why can't they defer my training for like one year - let me try out the new job, and if I don't like it - I can still go back - but as my friends all say "Dream On..."
I was so freaking tired, confused, depressed that I couldn't really sleep. I even had dreams about how I called the organization where I was supposed to sign my agreement - telling them that one of my guarantors got chickenpox or was suddenly hospitalised and I could not find a replacement at such short notice - then I woke up and realised that I did not make the call at all. Then I decided not to think about it - and go on with what I had decided earlier. I am trying to treat the offer - that came 9 months late, as a distraction that momentarily threw me off course... why does such things always happen to me - I always get 2 job offers about the same time, or rather such that I don't have the time to think it through. Last time, I was in my new job for the 2nd day when another company (whose interview I think I flunked) called me to tell me that I had been accepted.
I just cannot think too much - it complicates matters. That is why this particular entry, though long, does not even begin to brush the surface of the extent of the things that I had been thinking regarding the whole dilemma... I just don't wish to relive it again - it is a horrible feeling :(
