Crappy Mood... Still
In a totally crappy mood today; which continued from yesterday.
Felt so swindled... what a waste of my time and hope and expectations.
Seriously a case of gua (4) yang (2) tou (2), mai (4) gou (3) rou(4)...and you'd expect some one like one of the major 2 healthcare clusters in Singapore to be different. Apparently it seems that the only other type of pple such organizations need besides clinicians are bloody minute-takers. Yes, they have a fancier name for that process - they call it documentation. What a whole load of crap! So that totally eliminates one WHOLE health cluster that I could whack with my letters & applications. HR people can sometimes be so screwed up. No offense to those who are in that department, and take on the role of an interviewer….but frankly speaking, if you derive such pleasure from ‘torturing’ any of your candidates, like what I experienced yesterday, you are definitely in the league of Anthony Hopkins in the “Silence of the Lambs” trilogy.
Feeling really down in the pits now; haven't smiled at anyone since I woke up this morning. Managed to continue this way through out work so far. Avoiding eye contact, not making small talk – sure seems like the world has ended for me already… Well, even if it is so freaking far from the truth, it sure feels that way to me. There is a certain perverse pleasure one derives from self-inflicted pain – for my case here; it seems to be more of a mental & emotional thing. Wallowing in self-pity just bring me further down in the dumps but somehow, I just resist all human efforts to make me feel better. You know that kind of things – to go for lunch, talk to colleagues, chit chat about senseless things. But I’d probably end up spoiling everyone’s mood – just like what I did the last time… and I do think that they are aware of this very possible ending. Hence, no one mentioned a second word when I declined to join them for lunch.
Sometimes it hurts so bad just to be constantly hanging around the people whom you work with. And it is purely only that – colleagues – people whom you work with. Unlike prior experience, people who get to know others in their jobs have clearly-defined boundaries about the extent of friendship, or in this case – colleagueship, if such a word even exists. The only thing you can talk about is work…. And unfortunately, though I thought a change in environment would make me not use this phrase “Talking about work makes me depressed” or some variant of it… this does not seem to have happened at all. Any mention of work, still makes me depressed…. And it is still depressing to talk about work.
Sometimes, I do wonder if anyone who is facing more difficulties and obstacles than me has this urge to just give me a tight slap across the face and yell at me that I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I do feel like that too, but not just at myself at times, but also at people who are enjoying everything…and complaining about other minor things. It’s always a case of comparison – someone told me to think about other people who don’t have jobs; I retorted “why not think about people who are having great jobs, earning fantastic pay and enjoying every minute of their lives?” True, I may not be in the worst situation in the world, but just as people make comparisons during exams – you never compare your kid’s results with her classmates who failed, but rather, you compare hers with those who are constantly scoring high marks. Same logic here… so why the double standards?
Turbulence
Even though I didn't experience major turbulence on the flight to Bangkok & back on the business trip about 1 month ago, that is definitely what my mind has been going through this past whole month.
I had thought I had managed to sort things out, and gotten the priorities right...and despite being well-known for being stubborn & determined...this is one of the few times (at least I hope) when I have been persuaded from my original course of action by others. Usually, I don't, well, at least I hope that is what my track record reflects.
Tried to do a turnabout and have a totally new approach to the whole thing; it worked for a while, at least I tried my best to make it work. Plastered tons of motivational postcards all over my work station; hoping that seeing them would urge me on and give me the needed push of encouragement. For a while, it seemed as if I was slowly getting used to the environment, getting used to the culture...and that whatever used to matter, didn't matter anymore...
But ain't that sad? If what used to matter don't matter anymore....then what does that mean? Does it mean that I have just become so de-sensitized to everything, or that I just don't give a heck about whatever is important...(to me)... Which, upon restropection, seems extremely wrong. Don't ask me why it is wrong, it just seems so...
I mean, if all those that supposedly are important factors suddenly have no impact or effect, then how does anyone arrive at a decision for an important thing? I have friends who have been working for a few years...and they say "Just stay ..."; I do remember a time when similar situations had made them question their decision... why the sudden change? Perhaps it is because they have become accustomed to the whole culture, organization and the nature of their work. Don't be mistaken, I am definitely not condemning them for finding their comfort zone and thus reluctant to leave...it is definitely a good thing because it just means that one has found their calling in life....or at least a comfy job for the next 5 years...
I am supposedly a rational person...but trust me, there is no such thing as a rational human being. Yes, we can appear to be rational at times, and even arrive at seemingly logical decisions....but all these moments are so rare.... More often than not, whatever actions we take, or words we choose to use...are all results of interference of our brain activity with what one calls emotions... But taking all these into account, I have tried to weigh and balance the 2 ends of the scale - to see which side has more redeeming points - to base my decision upon.
Perhaps my decision 1 month ago was deemed as impulsive; which I totally agree with. Being extremely unhappy, totally dreading the start of each day and trying to bottle all the unhappiness inside within me... yet having to put up a brave front that all is going well, and living in self-denial - firmly refuting all claims that I was more depressed than before... Yes, it was an impulsive decision...and I tried to take a step back and view it more objectively.
That, I have done for the past month... and based on my observations, feedback gathered from colleagues, past and present, friends, my mum and most importantly, my gut feeling... it is definitely unhealthy to stay any longer. Even from a career point of view...the only good thing that can come out of staying longer is just that I have some income...and that it looks partially decent on my resume....but not necessarily so if I do leave in less than a year. Yet, from the wider perspective, if one can observe the change in treatment from the management, the way the other departments view all suggestions and ideas...as well as the proposal and execution of ideas ... any objective person will most likely agree with me that it is a downward trend...that things will only deteriorate...and not improve.
Don't take me wrong, I am not saying that everything and everyone is doomed...that it is horrible and beyond redemption. However, if things don't change for the better; people don't change the way they work to make it easier for the whole organization to work together... (just as what is happening now), it will just be a hard, obstacle-filled path.
True, I may not be as hardy or determined as I'd like to be; some people even accuse me of running away at the first sign of difficulty or trouble. I don't disagree - which person in his or her right mind would willingly want to be in such a situation; it is true that once you have gone through tough times, you'll become stronger and that you'll learn more in the future. But the fact is, from what I see, the tough times will not make things easier for myself in the future - struggling here will not bring about the huge transformation or improvement for myself, at least not to the extent for which I think all the work and effort is worth.
Perhaps you cannot even grasp what I am rambling all about here.
It's ok; sometimes I don't even understand what is going through my mind most of the time.
A uni friend just called; asking me to help critique his CV & cover letter. He also asked if I had made up my mind....and I told him that I already had. He was slightly taken aback...but at least he didn't say " Don't lah, stay lah...." as what some other friends had said...those who have not really talked to me,or taken a real interest in what exactly was going on...you know, those kinda conversation that totally has no meaning, those that start with "hihi, how are you....and ok lah...that kind of meaningless replies" and when the awkward silence starts....one suddenly comes in with a lame excuse that something's cropped up and has gotta go...
Sadly, been having a lot of those lately...which is why i stay off MSN....and ICQ....
Human beings....what a disappointing species....
