Worrisome Me
yes, I also know; I think way too much... Everyone has been telling me the same thing; my mum included. But there's nothing I can do about it; you can't possibly ask me to NOT think??
I don't really day dream; what I think about, are possible problems, potential contentious situations, as well as what I have to or must do when such things happen. I can't be taken by surprise; and besides that, I won't have the time or energy to clearly think about what the most rational and advantageous option at that moment. Yup, so I pre-think, if such a word ever existed...
But seriously, it would save me a lot of energy, time and worrying in the long run...(or that is what I claim). I mean, if i seriously thought about some issues and have gone through the pros and cons and other relevant factors, I would be better informed to make a decision and choice. Then I wouldn't have spent more time wasting my energy and effort on something that I do not really want.
Let me liken it to job applications. Suppose that I do receive a call for an interview; I do worry so much about it. This is because I do have to weigh the options and see if it is really what I want to do (not that what i am doing now is exactly my dream job; far from it). Because if I don;t think now, and wait till they offer me the job (if it ever happens, keeping fingers crossed), then I have to start worrying about my final decision - to accept or not. And I wouldn't have the time or resources to think it through and make a calculated, reasoned decision. And even if I didn't want that job that much, if I didn't think it through, I would have put in so much effort and time in preparing for an interview for a job that I don't really want.
You see the point I am trying to put across??? Haiz....yea yea yea, I also know i think way too much. Call it a personal trait, or a character flaw...
10 Days @ Home
It's been 10 whole days ... already...woah...not to say that it has been really easy. Almost lost my head on Friday night; but channel-surfed to keep myself from tearing my hair out. Yup, I have not gone out for a whole 10 days....this comes as a surprise to all, I am sure, since I am regarded by some as a social animal.
My JC classmate even asked repeatedly"Are you ok?? What happened to you??", despite my many assurances...the conversation ended with her being disappointed, "so you mean I can't ask you to go clubbing with me anymore????" Erm, yup, that's kinda true. Sorry people....
It's not that I am totally antisocial, I would love to go out and have fun and interact with friends, it's just that such a lifestyle has totally been taking its toil on my wallet and my BANK ACCOUNT!! ARgk, yes, it has gotten to such a point that I actually ask myself - why the hell am I working? I don't seem to make any money.....
And somehow, most of the activities that I get asked to, seem to entail a whole lot of spending; unnecessary one especially. Meals at Japanese restaurants and cafes, concerts at the esplanade, shopping and visiting niche clubs...ahem.... can I say "been there, done that" and plead to be left alone to try and reduce my spending?? well, I could at least TRY....
And I do miss all of the friends that I have not met; really, I would love to meet up and catch up with all of you people; but please be kind to me and my wallet :) Really, have already made plans to meet a hall fren for dinner this coming week; he has been pre-warned; told him it's either food court or hawker centre...hehe... and he is totally alright about it. Shouldn't that be the basis of gatherings; the crux is to get together and talk and update each other, and not really that much about the activity?? True, sometimes we gather for the sake of the activity and it is enjoyable, just that once or twice a month is enough for me... and you really don't have to squeeze so many activities into a single day/night. Right?? ;)
Anti-Social...Me
Yup, not a question there, but rather a statement. I was accused of this rather recently... and I do beg to differ. But then again, who is listening, or cares to listen to what I've gotta say?
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary (I just so love using definitions from these sources to 'crush' anyone's warped accusations; hmmm, maybe it's a good thing that I didn't choose Law in NUS)
And apparently, it's not separated by a hypen, but is one single word.. and hence the meaning of antisocial is defined as: -
1. averse to the society of others
2. hostile or harmful to organized society; especially : being or marked by behavior deviating sharply from the social norm
Hell no, by this definition, I am certainly NOT ANTISOCIAL. I am not averse to the society of others; I still have to take the public transport with the rest of the millions of Singaporeans who cram into the sardines can every day. I am still working with my colleagues and don't faint in the presence of human beings.
And I am DEFINITELY not hostile or harmful to organized society. Hey, I DO queue up to take buses or buy stuff. And having been in Singapore for so many years, have already been used to the herd mentality, so there is absolutely no talk about me displaying deviant behaviour.
i got such a label just because I told my fren that I have made a mental note to not go out that much, (or not at all, if possible), in a bid to cut down my expenses and TRY, (not just saying it, but in action too) to save a meagre part of my take home pay...assuming that there is still any left. And revealed to her that I turned down 3 invites last Friday to go out... (that does not make me antisocial; in fact, I am considerate.... how on earth am I supposed to tell A(s) & B(s) (whose invites to group outings I've already turned down, to accept Group C's ?? I am sure you know what I mean. So, for those who know who you are....do understand.
Is it unreasonable to expect that I won't be going out freely until CNY?? I don't think so .... it is a refreshing change to just rest and home and not go anyway (and in the process, eliminate expenditure resulting from transportation, food & entertainment, killing 2 birds with one stone!) but I still get slapped w the antisocial label....
Just a thought, do you really need to go out in order to have a social life? I mean, the 'accuser' only goes out with her other half, who is working virtually all the time, including saturdays... and she sometimes delivers dinners to his office on weekdays, and they go out on weekends... does it mean that that is a social life?? I mean, you are basically hanging out with one person and one person only! Hmmm, someone please enlighten me and this...and a thousand other questions that I have asked and asked (thanks)
Also, just in case you think that it's not even worth asking me along for the next outing, please reconsider....there are 2 shows I am absolutely dying to catch... LOrd of the Rings 3 and Love Actually.... Thanks for the invite (in advance) :)
I may be accused of being antisocial, but No one has ever said that I was impolite...
at a loss... still
A fren over in Oz apparently read my blog and told me this (or something along the same lines) "you seem really unhappy with your job"... Frankly speaking, I was abit shocked at that; cos I didn't really have that strong 'feelings' about what I was encountering at work recently. I missed something that was to be done last Saturday and have had people telling me that some participants were really unhappy and the HOD (some pompous doctor, apparently) was totally furious abt the oversight. And I have had a lowly junior clerk with damn bad attitude slam the phone while I was in the middle of a sentence. How worse can it get; a lot, if you have read my boss' take on the taxi claim & stuff and that almost everyone now noes that I am not exactly thrilled to be working there still. Actually, it just gives my boss an excellent opportunity to boot me if she needed to (she is darn good at such stuff, believe me; she can even 'fire' old timers who have been working for 24 years and have been hatching plans to get rid of another one who have worked there for 10 years, why not me? I haven't even passed my probation yet)
There I go again, my incoherent ranting & senseless rambling; you probably gotta get near enuff to live in my brain to have the vaguest idea of what I am talking about... was talking about how bad the day at work had been yesterday... and also, exclaiming (in silence) at my indifference, or lack of indignation at such appalling treatment in my daily course of work. I could probably not stop being insolent to those pompous asses; yup, those with a Dr. in front of their name and with their noses so high in the air that half the time, they can't see anything in front. Really, I am still amazed at the extent of the development of their brain, after so many years of studying, as well as at their lack of 'human(e) skills' despite the fact that they are in contact with patients all the time and are supposed to show, if not a true, sincere empathetic look, at least a fake one.
Personally, I am also surprised that unlike in the past few months, I have not been so demoralised with my current job and scope that I just want to throw in the towel, to call it quits and actively search for another job, before I stay too long in this industry, be tied to such a job scope and make myself unmarketable for the jobs that I want. Have I become so numb to what used to get me so frustrated? Or have i simply become too used to what I am doing now, and have lagged behind that I am just staying in a state of inertia, not willing to move at all. True, change is terrifying, it is scary and it's not easy to just move on like that. That is probably one big reason why so many people are loathe to change anything in their lives; as the saying goes - If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But such a lack of outrage on my part scares me, frankly. Have I really reached such a stage in my current job that I can't be bothered to strive harder, to actively search for other more challenging possibilities? or am I just afraid to change? I suppose it's a combination of these 2 reasons, plus a myriad of many other nitty, gritty reasons and the hundred & one voices in my head....
it's no wonder that I am at a loss...still...
Help....anyone?? :(
at a loss...
feeling like i am lost in a maze right now; dunno what to do, dunno what to think...and worst of all, dunno what will happen. (yeah, i am that bad a control freak).
Just got a call from Mindef; apparently I have been shortlisted for the first round of interview for the position of a Policy Executive with the Manpower Dept or Divison. Under normal circumstances, such news would have made me totally elated and delirious with joy. Unfortunately, times have changed, so have circumstances...
Why such a drastic change, one might ask... I am also asking myself the same question. I suppose I am in such a state of mind due to various reasons and incidents. Firstly, money had always been a main motivator in my search for jobs, hence the endless applications to all government ministries and stat boards, regardless of whether I really wanted that type of job scope or not. The pay scheme was indeed attractive, at least it was at that time, before it was announced that starting pay for the civil service were to be slashed by 20%.
WIth a fixed pay scale in place in the not-so-distant past, I could have obtained a starting pay of approximately $2.5K with my credentials, enough to meet the minimum requirements for a basic credit card. But the new ruling would mean that my gross pay would be only $2K, despite the fact that I am on par with the rest of the execs in Mindef. Hence, the incentive is no longer there; everyone tends to view the civil service as some huge bureaucratic monster, who is incredibly slow in doing their work and responding and unbelievably fussy about insignificant details. And it has always been the "protect my own back policy" which is one of the reasons (at least it is, according to my theory) why there is so much wastage, why they are so bloody in-efficient. (too bad if you happen to read this and you happen to be from the civil service, but really, that is the impression most pple have) Hence, if u are in the civil service, chances are it's hard for you to jump to another job in the private sector.
So that is Major reason No. 1 why I am not exactly jumping up n down with joy. No. 2 is that I have applied for several other jobs, actually many others, cos there was such a low point when I was working that I just wanted to quit. However, there are a few that I consider more suitable to what I want to do, especially that with Citibank - the Management Associate programme. And not the mention the one with the U.N. Thus, should I hop from my current job to the one at Mindef, it would totally eliminate the possibility of me actually going for these interviews and asking for that job. Not to mention the very likely possibility that I'd be jumping from one hell to another. yeah, the hell here is torturous; with my super stingy boss, the over demanding doctors and the super brainless job scope that I gotta do....don't tell me that's work... it shouldn't be. Why accept such a fate? Instead of chiding me for complaining and telling me to drop down to earth and slapping a label "That's Work wat..." on what I have described so far; think, why can't work be more enjoyable; if you aren't enjoying what you are doing; are you sure you are not in the wrong field? So there...
Major Reason No. 3 - I am sorta 'in-charge' of an event next February; my colleague is holding me by the hand and attending all meetings with me, prompting me on what details are to be settled and stuff. She & my head had already told me that I'd be the 'mini-boss' for that event; meaning the person in charge - I'd make all the decisions, any thing screws up, pple come running to me to complain and it's my neck on the chopping board. And I would want to see this through, so that it can at least appear on my resume that I completed one event and know how it works. And with the contacts & experience gained from such events, after 2 years time, I can apply for related jobs in the private sector; I have seen some companies advertising for such openings....
...
Unhappy working here...
I suppose that is what my fellow colleagues must be feeling as well, especially when my boss refused to sign the claims for taxi reimbursement for the event. We stayed till 9 pm the eve of the event, to finish packing and to settle last minute registration. Her point of view; we should have done all these at least 2 weeks before the event itself. yeah rite, tell that to the doctors who decide to just fax the form the night before, or even worse, turn up onsite to register. Not that we don't welcome them, on the contrary, of cos it would be good to have a good attendance and to have enough revenue to more than cover the costs. And the boss is so stingy and particular over these nitty gritty details, which totally makes me even more resolved not to stay back and work, not to bring my work home...
And there was also dispute over the taxi fare claim from home to work place. Had to reach the hotel by 730 am; and she refused to sign it, citing that the employee handbook stated that only when we have to leave prior to 630 am, would cab reimbursement be allowed. However, if I don't take a cab there, I would have to leave earlier than 630 am in order to reach that place in time. Totally ridiculous boss right?
And apparently, the conversation my colleague had with her had me on the agenda as well. The boss told my colleague that I don't seem to be very happy working here. My colleague said it's the truth; I wasn't very happy working at this place and my chairperson is really demanding. The boss asked this because my head had talked to her that as it already is, I was not very happy at this place. (cos the boss wanted me to do menial work; my head protested, citing that I was an exec). It was also mentioned that they were mentally prepared should I walk out anytime now and that they would be stranded and would not be able to cope, as they have to take over my chapters.
admin officers will remain admin officers FOREVER....at least that is true in the case of my boss here. she was an admin officer back in her old job. Perfect worker, lousy boss is totally true in her case...
Staying @ Home
Turned down 2 invites for tmrw night; not that I had something else on, or that I wanted to rush home to catch some show, but just that they weren't really what I had wanted to do at this particular moment. Dining out & clubbing are perfectly enjoyable activities and I do enjoy them. Perhaps I am just not in the mood for doing either of those. Nothing wrong with the company either; one is a close group of ex-hallmates, while the other is an old secondary school classmate whose colleagues are all chilling out at some bar. In the past, I would have jumped at the chance, to rest and relax and spend some time with them. However, I guess I have slightly different priorities now; not that I don't ever want to participate in such social gatherings in the future (SO, PLEASE CALL ME ALONG! if not, i'll feel totally left out) but don't be slighted if I decline, it's not the company's fault.
Everyone is calling me practical, my colleagues included. Partly due to the fact that I still tutor, and the reason I give is not due to my diligence, but rather, of the necessity of more income to cover my exorbitant expenditure. Yup, I declined dinner to reduce expenses, but think nothing of splurging more than $60 on a pair of shoes. Women are like that, I suppose, in one way or another. Some are willing to spend on clothes, some on make-up, some on accessories, others on gadgets or books or CDs. I suppose what I choose to spend on totally depends on the priorities as well as what was going through my mind at that precise moment. Marketing... haha, what I had learnt in school.
Think I'll also stop my salsa classes. Have already missed one lesson last week and can only make it for the Saturday lesson this week. But am seriously getting tired of having to go to classes. True, it may be fun and interesting, but having to travel all the way to some particular bar to social dance is taking its toll on me. Imagine, I spend 3 hours travelling to & fro for 2 hours at the place. And should i choose to stay, I either have to go back alone or bunk over at my fren's place....Way too troublesome for my liking. Now the big problem is... How do i break this news to my classmate who has been asking me to join... since eons ago. Or rather, how exactly do i seek refuge and where?
Just a cent's worth about whatever happens to be on my mind as I am typing... (if only I could type as fast as I think)
+++ Positivism+++
yup, 3 pluses and 3 more pluses still equal to positive something...
Primary 4 kids also noe this.. or did i first learn it in sec 1? Seriously cannot remember, but what is true is that no matter how many pluses you have, just one negative will make the whole chunk an overall negative...and yeah, some may argue that 2 negatives make it a positive still... so I suppose that is how the whole positivism thing came about.
Hmm, realised that I am the only one among fellow bloggers who gripe non-stop in my blog.
BUt its MY Blog mah....if I don't gripe here, would you rather that I pester everyone I noe to verbally complain about the state of things? It will seriously be even more unpleasant...
But then again, whatever I blog is totally dependent on my mood... it's my blog in the first place rite???
Irritable...
Ask me why, as if I do have the answers? If I do have the answers, I probably won't be wasting my time blogging abt it here, and would already have gone off in search of a solution for it.
As the Chinese phrase goes... everything is dependent on tian (1) shi (2), di (4) li (3), ren (2) he (2)... loosely translated into something about location, people n stuff. So I would suppose bad / distasteful / unpleasant encounters with me would probably be due to the fact that the timing was wrong, the words used was wrong and that the location was way off. Get it?
Unfornately, not many do... actually none of those I do happen to know belong to this rather small group. And hence it just gets worse... and just like sheep, no one has any idea what the hell is wrong... and no one still does, up to this day. Unbelievably dense, don't you think?
Human beings....ARGKKKK *tears hair in frustration*
It's Monday Again...
It's still the evening of a Sunday...but I feel like I haven't had enough rest and the mere thought that Monday, another work day, is just less than 6 hrs away, is more than enough to make me blue...
Wasted the whole day rotting at home; literally rotting. Used to make it a point to visit the gym on Sundays, devote some 'me' time to myself... but haven't done that for a fortnight. Been having an event these days, work started on-site since Wednesday evening - stayed till 9 pm at work. Left after 8 pm on Thursday and it was worse on Sat - after 10. Couldn't really do anything - couldn't join friends for any activities - either cos I had to wake up really early the next morning, or that the day was really tiring... But not all would understand... Perhaps some dismissed it as mood swings on my part, or just not being sporting enough... What could I say?
I feel so sapped of energy, to even go to work on Monday. But I couldn't miss work; having been away from the office for 3 days in a row, I dare not even think of the amount of emails I shall be receiving, and all the various demands and work I would have to do. Totally not looking forward to it at all.
In summary......*SIGH*...
If I can click with A, and A can click with B, it doesn't mean that I can click with B...
Totally confusing, but very true.
And the excruciating agony of such encounters is just magnified 1000 times and more, when group outings occur. And one has to, inevitably, make small talk.... It sure is great when communication flows and it's easy... but not one's greatest experience when the conversation is halting and ideas, perceptions and values differ... so much, Too much, in fact...
Am I totally perceptive, having the guts to say unpleasant stuff that everyone feels, but is just too civil to reveal or admit? Or am I just a totally unreasonable jerk who expects everyone to go to great lengths to suit me?
That, I leave you to judge... since I can't be bothered whatever way it goes... which is also why there is ABSOLUTELY no way anyone can feedback in MY blog...
Clear? Crystal, I hope...
10 Days...
It's been 10 days since I last blogged; I realised.
Either I don't have anything interesting to say...
Or I haven't done anything interesting...
It's probably the latter...
Which is kinda inevitable when one simply 'indulges' in the boring activity of rotting and the most interesting thing one looks forward to, is checking out on the TV guide in Sunday Times to see if they are showing Everwood or not... and they didn't - replaced it with some game... :(
Sure sucks...
My Addiction...
Yes, I have gotta 'fess up. I have this addiction, one that cannot be broken...to heros and larger than life figures - yup, u've got it, the BIG screen. Just watched Ong Bak recently... and IT ROCKS! Totally awesome! It is not the typical genre of movies that I like - suspense thrillers, those with great plots, or those with amazing twists at the end. Far from it, the plot was anything but predictable.
And indeed, at first glance, did seem more like an action flick not unsimilar to those of Bruce Lee and the early Jackie Chan action gongfu movies... (which, either I am too young to have watched, or have become steadily more and more jaded with the latter's recent works).
So here comes my first 'review' of a movie... well, one has gotta start somewhere. So why not here, with this movie? And be forewarned, my tastes border on the weird kind...so this entry here probably won't have the typical issues they refer to or discuss in your typical review. The choice of the movie to catch was not unanimous; i went along cos I didn't really wanna go back home on a Friday nite (not suspecting that my fren would call me last minute to go clubbing with her). But i am not sorry...
Tony Ja, is not exactly the most handsome guy I have laid my eyes on. Actually, he falls far short of what good-looking in my opinion should be (and my expectations aren't that high either). But with that lean, muscular, strong torso, this is the rising fighting machine to look out for, not to mention one with strong moral values.... His features are typical, and he doesn't have many lines that aren't forgettable. In fact, after a long bout of his fighting scenes... he spoke again and i was so shocked and disappointed to realise that his voice was so highly-pitched that i even commented to my fren sitting beside me "how come his voice is so high???"...(yup, that typical singaporean grammar)
But his moves are to die for... and the director/ producer/ editor (all of whom have a part to play in deciding what we get to see on the screen) also tried to satisfy one's appetite by re-playing some of the awesome moves, either in slow-motion, or from a different angle. But there are not that many of those to make one think that it's a faulty disc one is watching that keeps skipping & repeating the shoots...
One particular move that got me almost clapping & wolf-whistling in the theatre was that dble somersault he did in the AIR!!! He has gotta have springs or coils or whatever mechanism attached to the soles of his feet. This guy could just keep turning and flipping with the bare minimum visible effort. And the executions are done so nicely, with perfect timing. No one could blame me for mistaking him for the world champion in the track event where one jumps over hurdles. And one good move that I appreciated was when he just slid underneath a SUV with a split... that type of flexibility is truly unbelievable.
(yup, one can almost see me drooling...) but it's not the fact that he's the protaganist that triggers such a phenomena, but rather, the fact that he could execute such daring feats with such precision. This 'man' (not doubting his sexual preference or sexuality, but rather if such a human being could exist) could just turn his body or any part of his limbs mid-way in air...and his 'scissors-kick' or whatever you call it (when displayed in slow motion) has definitely earned my "Ah......" of awe.
The beginning of the movie was still believable, but nearing the end, it gets a tad too incredulous for me to buy the story, which, in my opinion, is and always have been the Achilles heel in most gongfu-action flicks. Tony Ja, or rather, Ting, as he is known in the movie, takes on so many people and is dealt so many lethal moves but is able to just bounce back without so much as a bruise on the body. And at the cave, all those workers who were busy drilling, by right & common sense, would have not been willing to risk their lives for the wheelchair bound baddie and taken Ting on. Under any realistic circumstances, they would have been the first ones to have fled the scene, but no.... all valiantly tried to fight Ting. (this is way too reminiscent of the typical Bruce/ Jackie movies in the past).
Besides these loopholes, and the fact that the singapore censors decided to cut out some part...which totally sucks... they cut out SO much that it was impossible to piece whatever was left together, and the predictable ending...and the thin plot, I did like this show. It's not one for those who revel in the twists and turns in the story, but just appreciating the execution of the moves and kicks will more than compensate you for the price of the ticket and the time. GO watch it!
